When I clung to you there was nothing to hold on tight with, you left me adrift. Colorado, what now?

I am lonely. I am tired. I want to go home, wherever that is. I miss Colorado, the one place I've ever truly felt like I belonged. 

Sometimes I forget why I got clean in the first place. I stopped using heroin because all of my friends started hating who I was becoming, my family hated me too. I am not necessarily sure if I hated myself, too, because I had finally found something that let me stop worrying for half a second and allow myself to just live ~

People still hate me now. Two and a half years later. Two and a half years of orange under my tongue twice a day every day. Still alone 

Whats the fucking point?

At least I've been forgetting to eat - too depressed to eat. Something. Not really thinking about it. Went to see my doctor who said that I had lost a significant amount since the summer. Was it intentional, he asked? 

No. I said. It was the truth. 

One thing I like about depression

is food stops mattering. 

fall asleep, spin the sky, skeleton me.

loving this yeahyeahyeah's song. i just wanted to quickly update before I pick up my boyfriend. 

intake has been decent today. I saw a reflection of myself today, almost cried. How have I let myself go like this? My weight is higher than it's been in a long time. I have been doing fairly week throughout the week lately, but weekends have been tough. I am going away on a yoga retreat this weekend, and I'm so excited for healthy, vegan food & all day workouts :) 

intake:

cheese cube [60]

1/2 apple [50]

crystal light [15]

granola bar [170]

total- 295 c. 

good luck ladies <3

we are stardust.we are golden.

i feel like i have become a whale.seriously,i cant take this anymore. why cant i effortlessly fast for a week and run miles and miles like i did in high school...im still young, and i feel like i am going to be trapped with this body for the rest of my life;trapped feeling like i am never making any progress any more,pure, bitter digust every godforsaken time i catch my own, almost unrecognizable reflection in the mirror. i long to feel the dizzying higher than a shot of heroin high rush of hunger, my cold hands nursing a steaming mug of coffee(third or fourth cup of the day)smoking camel after camel.i long to see the number inch downward on my scale, and the intoxicating feel of skin tight over hipbones...

i know deep down that this is sick. i know that it is sick that i want to be sick.i am so tired of hating myself, so tired of feeling like people are staring at me, the paranoia that I am being whispered about- that theyre calling me ugly - or worse. 

that is why i have decided to make a promise to myself, right here, right now. i will do whatever it takes to be happy with the way I look. I will set reasonable, attainable goals, and i will be content with the fact that because of my height (5-10), i will never, ever be 100lb or less (in fact, at my height, 125 is considered underweight...) I will record every gram of food or drink that I consume, and try to exercise every day. I have felt so desperately, terribly out of control, and needed to feel like I had some sort of plan for today, tomorrow, for the next month, for the rest of my life, to somehow attain this unwavering, painfully desperate desire to be beautiful. 

intake:

suboxone [0] duh..